Lying is not something I would normally condone. But there are always exceptions to every rule. Today, somebody I care about deeply hurt me. They tore my heart into shreds. But, life goes on right? You just have to take the pain and push through it. But what about when somebody you love notices? That's where the lying comes in. Mark and I were having our usual weekend cam date, when he noticed I was not quite myself. He asked, I lied. I told him I was fine, I covered up my feelings by smiling. With the smile, he concluded that whatever had been bothering me, was no longer. This was not the case, we proceeded to have a good conversation though and I'm glad to say that he was none the wiser. But I feel bad. I still feel the pain I felt earlier, along with the guilt of having lied to him. My heart longs to tell him, to open up and scream to him all of my troubles, but the part of me that is afraid to get hurt, won't let me. It won't let me trust him enough, to let him completely in. Call me naive or stupid, but I don't care how old you are, a relationship is only as strong as the people in it. Maybe I'll call him up a bit later and tell him all about this. Perhaps, I'll find the strength and take a risk. But if I don't, and he finds out then the pain will intensify as he realizes that I hadn't the trust to tell him. I have the opportunity to fix the mistake I made, now I have to choose to fix it. I have to decide whether or not lying to him is what was best. Clearly, my conscious states otherwise.
Now for my daily challenge. To find the good in my day, that will ultimately balance out the bad, or maybe outweigh it. I had an essay that was do on the most impossible topic, I completed it and submitted it to my teacher 12 hours before it was due. I spoke to my father, briefly, but I did get the chance to speak to him. And as soon as I finish typing this up, I'm going to my house, and I'm going to see my best friend in the world. Now it seems as though the good outweighs the bad today, as long as nothing bad happens for the rest of the day. Perhaps I can let go of my guilt and heartache and write this off as a good day. But if I can't I will have at least found something to smile about through all the bad. That alone makes today a day worth living.
I'm being rather rushed right now. I must hurry and end this. There is so much I'd like to say, but I haven't the time to put it down into words. I must get my things together and prepare for the happy reunion that is about a year late.
The major question in my mind is, do I let Kyle know how I'm feeling? Will it ruin the time we will spend together? Is lying to HIM something to even consider?
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