If it's not blatantly obvious, I'm confused in my own feelings right now. Its more a struggle between my heart and my gut. More so that my gut wants to protect my heart from more pain. Feelings are feelings. They don't just go away. Especially strong ones toward another person. But a part of growing up is knowing when it's OK to act on your emotions and when it's best to look past them and control them. My heart is telling me to trust, and run to him. My gut is telling me that I might get hurt. Sadness is by nature the most unpleasant feeling. Usually it's because of the pain that causes it. But as humans, we have the innate ability to hurt someone and feel no remorse, sometimes even feel pleasure. Some would say that those thoughts are reserved for psychopaths. But if they would really take a look into their actions, they would see that at least once, even if out of anger they have said or done something to hurt someone. Thus is why it is so important to keep a guard around your heart. There is no telling if the person you love today, the person who loves you today, is going to be the person to rip your heart out tomorrow. I'm not suggesting that you should never trust anyone. I'd never do that. I believe that trust is very important in all relationships, including those with friends and family, what I'm saying is that when trusting people you must be very very careful. Be selfish with your trust and with your heart. Protect yourself. Not everyone will hurt you, but some will and is it not better to be well prepared and have someone get a little uneasy about you being so guarded but it all work out, or be free with your heart and your trust and get hurt? I choose the latter.
Its silver lining time. Not everything is terrible, not all people are bad. Yesterday I got to spend a few hours with my best friend in the world. I was so happy to just be spending time with him, that I completely forgot all that was bothering me. We laughed and goofed off, all in all we just had a good time. Find the person who you can be like that with, and don't hurt them. Be honest with them in all things, keep their secrets and I know it's cliche but treat them how you would like for them to treat you. The person you share your heart with doesn't always have to be your partner. It can be a family member or a best friend, sometimes they are the best ones. I know I'd be lost without Kyle. He knows everything about me, even my deepest darkest secrets. He stayed with me through the darkest times in my life, and he never judged me for the mistakes I've made. Finding that best friend is what makes keeping up a guard worth it. Because when you find that person, who will break down the wall brick by tiny brick, that's when you know you have found the person you can really trust, and that moment of realization, well its wonderful.
Time for me to get home. I have school in the morning. Not really looking so forward to it. But on the bright side, I did get to talk to my Dad, and he's fully confident and supportive of me in school, and its almost winter break.
Have a good night you guys.
Were all proud of you. <3
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