Reunited

So, there had been alot of things going on at home. But at last, I am at my Dad's house. My grandmother had me make a deal. The deal was that I would see him on all my school breaks and stay til I graduate. I agreed. And for the sake of all things sane, I'm gonna let her keep thinking that. I really want to stay here with my Dad.I'm happy here, I'm safe, and I am right where I'm supposed to be.

We just have to see how all pans out. Until then, I'm going to enjoy all the time with my Dad and meet the rest of my family.

Choosing Your Battles

Over the course of my life I've always been told that anything worth having is worth fighting for. Including freedom. But sometimes, you have to choose which battle is worth fighting in the war. Sometimes, the small ones, that just get under your skin, should be ignored. Too much loss for such a small victory. It's not worth it. 

My fight for freedom is no different. Sometimes though, I give in to the urge to fight the small insignificant battles just because they get under my skin. I usually end up with a bigger problem in the end. 

For example, I usually put up with so much crap in the house on a daily basis, that it just builds up. I try to ignore it, but when I can't ignore it anymore, last night for example, I blow up.  All it took was one really low down, pathetic lie about my father, from the mouth of my grandmother to set me off. I wasn't too mean with it. I just told her to stop talking about him like that, and that I don't want to hear the lies anymore. She yelled and yelled for three and a half hours until I started yelling back and cussing. She made me pee in front of her and my grandfather. That humiliation will be with me always. It was the most embarrassing situation I have ever been in.  I felt no better than a dog. A dirty little animal. The night ended with me in a terrible mood, wishing that I could be rid of all the pain. Then I had to wake up early to get blood tests. The past 24 hours or so have been so stressful. 

The weird thing is though, that when I got out of school, she was being nice. She took me shopping and let me get my clothes for my competition, two new books, even though she refused to let me get something Wiccan that I really wanted, and she let me pick out the nook tablet that I want for Christmas. It was REALLY weird. But that is going to be my silver lining for the day. And also that, despite my grounding I received last night for calling my father, I'm allowed on the computer. 

Do I wonder why she is being so nice all of a sudden? Of course. Do I think I should bother asking and risk another all night battle about it? Hell no. So, I am just going to leave it. A battle may be lost, but that does not mean that all hope is lost for the war. And the fight for my freedom is something I will never give away.

Drugging the mind.

There is a pill for everything nowadays. Depression, anxiety, sleeplessness, sleepiness, anger, happiness. EVERYTHING. You can go into a doctor and tell them that your appetite has increased and you've gained weight, they can suggest that you take a pill. No wonder everyone is addicted to something. Doctors are prescribing pills all the time. And the stuff you can get over the counter is no better. Not one bit. So you can imagine my reaction when my grandmother and grandfather decided that because of my lack of sleep over the course of a month or two, to give me sleeping pills. I didn't want to take them, I don't want to end up like my mother, but I gave in and took a pill before bed last night. I slept. I sat and pondered the reason as to why my mother is the way she is. Two things came to mind. She is undeniably psychotic, and she has no control.  I, however crazy I may be, have control. I can control myself when it comes to pretty much anything. That gives me an edge, and also helps to reassure me, that though I'm a socially inept person, I'm not a psycho like my mother and so many other people in my life.

I agree that addiction is an illness, but I also believe that with control, you can cure yourself. Its mind over matter. And I'm not saying I've never been addicted. I have. But I learned of my inner strength and ability to control myself. Thus, today's struggle. Control. I must first control myself, in my need for sleep, to not become reliant on the sleeping pills. But also, I must control my emotions and actions. Lately this has been very difficult.  Anger and sadness being the hardest ones. But I look at the bright side, no matter how hard it is, and I see that it could be worse.  I may be angry at my family situation, or my life right now, but I'm safe, its not permanent, and I have my REAL family to support me.

No matter how much I may struggle with my emotions, I will ultimately keep control. Controlling the mind, is controlling the body and therefor life.

Positive thinking time!!!!!!!  I may have to take the sleeping pills for a while, but the sleep will have me fresh and well rested for school, which I'm sure will help to improve my grades, and my ability to keep myself in check.  It's almost time for Christmas Break from school and that means plenty of time to catch up on work I've missed, and time to catch up on sleep. And, not to long until I can go be with my Daddy and catch up on the years we have missed. And add pictures to the scrap book I made for him.

Being Confused

The state of Confusion. Everyone has been there. You have no idea what is going on or what to do next.  Sometimes situations in life are confusing, sometimes people are confusing.  Sometimes, its both. So what do we do but spend our days pondering our thoughts and trying to figure out what is the next move?  Follow our guts, or follow our heart or minds?  

If it's not blatantly obvious, I'm confused in my own feelings right now.  Its more a struggle between my heart and my gut.  More so that my gut wants to protect my heart from more pain.  Feelings are feelings. They don't just go away. Especially strong ones toward another person.  But a part of growing up is knowing when it's OK to act on your emotions and when it's best to look past them and control them.  My heart is telling me to trust, and run to him. My gut is telling me that I might get hurt. Sadness is by nature the most unpleasant feeling. Usually it's because of the pain that causes it.  But as humans, we have the innate ability to hurt someone and feel no remorse, sometimes even feel pleasure.  Some would say that those thoughts are reserved for psychopaths. But if they would really take a look into their actions, they would see that at least once, even if out of anger they have said or done something to hurt someone.  Thus is why it is so important to keep a guard around your heart. There is no telling if the person you love today, the person who loves you today, is going to be the person to rip your heart out tomorrow.  I'm not suggesting that you should never trust anyone. I'd never do that. I believe that trust is very important in all relationships, including those with friends and family, what I'm saying is that when trusting people you must be very very careful. Be selfish with your trust and with your heart. Protect yourself.  Not everyone will hurt you, but some will and is it not better to be well prepared and have someone get a little uneasy about you being so guarded but it all work out, or be free with your heart and your trust and get hurt?  I choose the latter. 

Its silver lining time.  Not everything is terrible, not all people are bad. Yesterday I got to spend a few hours with my best friend in the world.  I was so happy to just be spending time with him, that I completely forgot all that was bothering me.  We laughed and goofed off, all in all we just had a good time.  Find the person who you can be like that with, and don't hurt them. Be honest with them in all things, keep their secrets and I know it's cliche but treat them how you would like for them to treat you. The person you share your heart with doesn't always have to be your partner.  It can be a family member or a best friend, sometimes they are the best ones.  I know I'd be lost without Kyle. He knows everything about me, even my deepest darkest secrets. He stayed with me through the darkest times in my life, and he never judged me for the mistakes I've made. Finding that best friend is what makes keeping up a guard worth it. Because when you find that person, who will break down the wall brick by tiny brick, that's when you know you have found the person you can really trust, and that moment of realization, well its wonderful. 

Time for me to get home. I have school in the morning. Not really looking so forward to it. But on the bright side, I did get to talk to my Dad, and he's fully confident and supportive of me in school, and its almost winter break. 

Have a good night you guys.

Ok, it hurts a little bit.(A LOT)

Lying is not something I would normally condone. But there are always exceptions to every rule.  Today, somebody I care about deeply hurt me.  They tore my heart into shreds.   But, life goes on right? You just have to take the pain and push through it. But what about when somebody you love notices?  That's where the lying comes in.  Mark and I were having our usual weekend cam date, when he noticed I was not quite myself.  He asked, I lied.  I told him I was fine, I covered up my feelings by smiling. With the smile, he concluded that whatever had been bothering me, was no longer.  This was not the case, we proceeded to have a good conversation though and I'm glad to say that he was none the wiser.  But I feel bad. I still feel the pain I felt earlier, along with the guilt of having lied to him.  My heart longs to tell him, to open up and scream to him all of my troubles, but the part of me that is afraid to get hurt, won't let me. It won't let me trust him enough, to let him completely in. Call me naive or stupid, but I don't care how old you are, a relationship is only as strong as the people in it.   Maybe I'll call him up a bit later and tell him all about this. Perhaps, I'll find the strength and take a risk. But if I don't, and he finds out then the pain will intensify as he realizes that I hadn't the trust to tell him.  I have the opportunity to fix the mistake I made, now I have to choose to fix it.  I have to decide whether or not lying to him is what was best. Clearly, my conscious states otherwise.


Now for my daily challenge.  To find the good in my day, that will ultimately balance out the bad, or maybe outweigh it.  I had an essay that was do on the most impossible topic, I completed it and submitted it to my teacher 12 hours before it was due.  I spoke to my father, briefly, but I did get the chance to speak to him.  And as soon as I finish typing this up, I'm going to my house, and I'm going to see my best friend in the world.  Now it seems as though the good outweighs the bad today, as long as nothing bad happens for the rest of the day. Perhaps I can let go of my guilt and heartache and write this off as a good day.   But if I can't I will have at least found something to smile about through all the bad.  That alone makes today a day worth living. 


I'm being rather rushed right now.  I must hurry and end this. There is so much I'd like to say, but I haven't the time to put it down into words. I must get my things together and prepare for the happy reunion that is about a year late.  


The major question in my mind is, do I let Kyle know how I'm feeling? Will it ruin the time we will spend together?  Is lying to HIM something to even consider?

The World Through My Eyes

Many will argue that I am far to young to have an opinion on what the world is like. That it is not for I to judge whether or not man kind is a sadistic breed of animal that kills and fucks for pleasure.  Having grown up and seen it first hand, I'd say I am more than qualified to make the judgement. To decide what I see in the world, and to choose how I will survive in it.
It seems that more times than not, the true philosophy of life, is that of which my mother used for swimming. Sink or Swim and she just tossed me out into open water, where I had to learn rather quickly how to keep my footing and not become too tired.  I thank my mother for that. She taught me what life is like. Many of the decisions made by the adult figures in my life, gave me the right to judge for myself.
Growing up, I found out what man's true hungers are. Sex and blood. My stepfather taught me both. As have many others. But I don't wish to sadden the lives of those who read this. I went through everything in my life for a reason. I'm not sure yet what that reason was, but as surely as I'm sitting in my leather computer chair and typing this post, I will figure out what that reason is.
Now as I mentioned before, balance is an important aspect of how I view the world.  So to balance out that bad I have just mentioned, I have something good. Recently, I have made contact with my biological father whom I had been kept away from for fifteen years! This has come at such a wonderful point in my life, I was beginning to think I should just give up on even trying to find him. I thought maybe he didn't want to know me, but mostly I thought he was dead. Alas! He is very much alive as are his sisters and their children and the many friends I have made through meeting my family! I have found the light at the end of my tunnel. Sometimes the light gets blocked by the many obstacles that are bound to show up. But it is there! As of March 5, 2012 I am free and able to live with the man who gave me life, and who I know without the shadow of a doubt, would never do anything to hurt me. My dearest Daddy. Along with being with my father after years of separation, I will be able to spend time with my aunts and cousins, and ultimately, I get to enjoy being young, instead of having to plan out each day like its war.

My goal will be to, with every single challenge I face daily, find the silver lining or keep track of the light at the end of the tunnel. The world may very well be a dark and cruel place, but to accept that fact and move on without letting anything stop you, shows a light within you that will be visible to others and spread.

Life is hard, the world is cold. But there are always jackets and the occasional easy button (gotta love staples) along the way.

Introduction

Since this is my first time ever posting I'd like to introduce myself. I'm Kelly, a 17 year old girl who has decided to document her journey through life. Not that I really expect for anyone to read it, it just seems like a good way to leave my mark on the world, and also a very good way to vent about my hardships and happy times. Life has never really been an easy road to travel, but so often I find that people either focus completely on the hard times or completely on the good. Where is the balance? Life is full of ups and downs. Sure some people may have had more bad times than good, but doesn't that just make the good times worth holding on too?

My life for instance, though most would say is just the beginning, has been rough.  But I do remember the good times I've had. I try to keep my focus on those good times, and it seems to help me get through.  When I'm sitting in my room with my face in my hands, wondering why I even bother to keep going, I think about the wind in my hair as I was a child riding on the back of the four wheeler with my cousin, or the buttery smell of freshly popped kettle corn from long girls' nights with my sister and some friends. Sometimes, I even just think of the few times that somebody noticed me crying and they gave me a hug or offered a smile. That has shown me that goodness does exist in the world and even when you are completely in the darkness, you can keep moving on towards that light at the end of the tunnel that you can see in many people around you.

All in all, if only one person is saved by the kindness of somebody, isn't that enough? Doesn't that prove that life is worth living? That there is a light at the end of the tunnel and that the grass is greener on the other side? I think that it does.

Thus, in my sharing of my life, and my life's philosophy, I hope to have given encouragement to at least one person. But even if I don't, I will have tried and that alone gives me a reason to wake up every day. That chance of making a difference in the world.